Emotions and relationships. You really cannot have one without the other.

We need to be in relationship with others in order to experience emotional well-being and growth. And, we need to have full access to all of our emotions – including joy, sorrow, passion, and disappointment – in order to have healthy relationships with others.

Hopefully, most of our relationships are vehicles for growth and expansion. Unfortunately, however, we sometimes get caught in dependent relationships and we stagnate. We stop evolving.

The goal is to find a balance between independence and dependence and live in a state of harmonious interdependence with others. 

“Dependency” has negative connotations for a reason. But, it’s possible to enjoy what we call “healthy dependency.” 

Healthy interdependency – or healthy mutual dependency – feels good and feels right.

It’s like being in that sweet spot of being intimately connected to yourself while also being authentically connected with others.

With healthy interdependency, you are attuned to yourself and your own needs, and attuned to others at the same time. It feels like being in harmony with yourself while also resonating with others.

You can draw from resources within yourself, and you can also access resources and support from others. You can reach out for and accept help, but you don’t fully rely on others to take care of you.

When you experience healthy interdependency, you can have healthy, working relationships with fluid boundaries. You’re aware of your strengths and weaknesses, your feelings and your needs, and you’re comfortable expressing yourself. You have a strong sense of who you are and you feel you can navigate the world.

Overall, you feel a sense of competence. You can put forth your own efforts and access your skills. With life’s ups and downs, you trust that you can figure out how to make things happen, with a good dose of self-reliance and the adequate help from those around you, you can get somewhere. You know how to tend to your own needs, and, at the same time, you are a resource of emotional presence, connection, and support for others.

Healthy interdependency calls us into an intricate dance in which we are intimately connected to ourselves and to others at the same time. In this dance, we show up for each other in ways that attend to our vulnerabilities, needs, longings, and passion. We’re together in the messiness and the beauty of being alive. 

What does unhealthy dependency feel like?

Unhealthy dependency feels like you can’t do it without another, can’t decide for yourself, can’t trust your judgment or intuition.

You seek permission from others to initiate ideas and to simply be yourself. You feel like you don’t have what it takes to be you or pursue your goals and dreams. You need others to show you the way.

At its most extreme, unhealthy dependency causes you to feel like you won’t survive without someone else.

Your existence is contingent on the opinions and choices of others. It’s like leaving in a small box that you can’t imagine how to escape. Caught in such an enmeshment, you cannot create healthy relationship boundaries. You let others exploit you or use you. You can become dominated or controlled by the people in your life.

Unhealthy dependency is damaging, not only for you but also for those you rely on

When you’re trapped in unhealthy dependency, you may suffer from:

– Loss of individuality: you may lose your sense of self and personal identity.

– Strained relationships: the constant need for support or validation can lead to resentment, frustration, and conflict

– Limited personal growth: you cannot discover your what you’re capable of or create your own path when you’re constantly seeking the permission and approval of others

– Limited autonomy: you cannot make decisions independently and put others in the role of choosing for you

 – Emotional turmoil: emotional enmeshment and inauthentic connection with others can lead to anxiety, depression, and a sense of being alone and trapped.

What is at the root of unhealthy dependency?

Unhealthy dependency usually develops early on. It emerges from relationships with people who couldn’t be a true source of emotional presence, attunement, and support to you as a child. You needed them to be there for you, see you, hear you, sooth you, and guide you, but, for whatever reason, they could not.

Thus, the root of unhealthy dependencies is the unresolved attachment issues – which impact your self-perception and your relationships.

How can you heal unhealthy dependency and move on? 

In my experience as a clinician, Attachment EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a powerful therapeutic approach that can offer a pathway to healing deep-seated wounds around dependency. This form of therapy can help you repair attachment wounds and create healthier relationships with yourself and others.

Since unhealthy dependencies often stem from unresolved attachment issues, attachment EMDR is an an effective psychotherapy treatment to address these relational injuries. It delves into the intricate web of emotions tied to attachment injuries and helps you reprocess the very experiences that are entrapping you in unhealthy dependency.

With Attachment EMDR, we’ll help you uncover the root of dependency wounds – the unprocessed memories and emotions that linger in your body and at some pre-conscious or unconscious level. Layers and layers of these unhealthy experiences are processed and reintegrated by your mind with a healthier interdependency mindset.

As the therapy progresses, you will experience a shift in how you’ll see yourself freed from these past events, allowing you to start reconnecting with your more authentic self and developing your own inner resources.

Attachment EMDR empowers you to develop healthy attachments, emotional regulation, and interpersonal skills. This transformative process promotes a sense of self-empowerment and resilience, and allows you to embrace healthy interdependency.

As you progress and reconnect with your core self, you’ll be able to look within and see who you are, how you want to evolve, and how you want to build connections with yourself and others in order to create a more fulfilling life.

 

I offer psychodynamic therapy, EMDR therapy (EMDR certified), psychoanalytic therapy (certified), combined with CBT, and grounded in the neuroscience of psychotherapy and relationships in order to help people discover how to live fully in the present and create more fulfilling, successful lives. 

In particular I have an expertise working with creatives, performers, and artists of all kinds – writers,  actors, fine artists, musicians, producers, directors, fashion designers, and creative entrepreneurs. My office is in Beverly Hills, Los Angeles. I provide in-person and online psychotherapy to people across California.

If you are interested in EMDR therapy, please contact me for your free 15 minute consultation to see if this therapy is appropriate for you.